Pain as a Blessing

There are days that my bone pain is beyond anything medication can touch. I am learning to truly turn those days over to Christ. To let God be my companion in the whiteness that wraps around me so that I am surrounded by colors. I used to take my muscle vibrator and hit my thigh so hard and so long that there was no sensation for hours... what a relief (for that time). Then I learned that I was giving the cancer cells ripe ground for spreading. Time to stop that!!

For awhile, I tried constantly bicycling my legs against the sheets until I was so exhausted that the pain wouldn't matter until my energy was relieved a little bit. That worked until I rubbed my heels raw and had streaked all the sheets with blood. ( My friend who does the housekeeping was unhappy about that on so many levels.)

So I talked with my Mom one day and I'm sure she doesn't even know what an impact a simple statement made in how I handle my pain. She was telling me about when my Dad (step, but not in my heart) had hurt his back badly, she would read the Bible to him every day. WALAH!
I can't read the Bible while I am in so much pain, but I can certainly rehearse those I know, get to know what each word means even more - let the Lord know I love Him and need Him.

The Lord's Prayer became my solace in my pain --the white hot pain that I can't reach but My Lord can. The 23rd Psalm leads me to a place of awesome holiness and peace where this world's agonies seem far away.

I fight this fight for my husband, my last love. I fight for my children, Michael and Matthew, who look so very grown up but I still want to be their mom for a long time. I fight for my Mom, who has prayed for me and walked a lot of dark and beautiful paths with me. I fight for my sister who is one of my best friends and who takes care of me even when she's far away. I fight for my brother who is my hero in so many ways.

I don't like my pain, but I've learned not to hate it. The white-hot pain that blots out everything else .... leaves God.